These are the stories that keep hope alive.
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I am so happy! I am finally accepting myself, how I am right now. Even though I am not perfect. Even when I look at the things about myself that I don't like, like when I yell at my kids, or when I overeat, I can forgive myself.
I seem to be learning how to do life better than I used to. I think it's called maturity! The older I get the more I see that my impatience for things to happen quickly is absurd. That things happen in their own time and that if I want to be happy I must give them the time they need to resolve themselves. LIfe has become a lot easier, for sure, since a faith in a divine benevolent power began to grow in me. Now I have such a strong trust that I'm not doing life alone, that I can usually let go of whatever is challenging me and place it in that Power's care. The beauty of it is that it works every time. Often, once I let go of it, the problem works out in a way that I never even imagined.
I finally experienced what it was to love myself. I felt a warmth and acceptance that I've never felt before. I know that even if I've made mistakes, and even if other people are mad at me, I can still love myself.
There sure is enough pain in the world, I know I've had my share. Lately I've begun to think that I could reduce the pain if I could just let go of the idea that bad things are not supposed to happen. It's not possible for life to be easy and smooth, not for anyone, anywhere. Yet I torture myself with thoughts that that's how I want my life to be, easy and lovely. If I let go of my expectations, my deepest wishes, and face what I must the best way I know how without the drama, I may not be able to have the life I want but I can be the me I want to be.
I find it a blessing to get old, to grow in wisdom, to notice the beauty I see with wonder. When I was young I was dancing as fast as I could so my world was much narrower. Now I have aches and pains, my eyesight is diminished, my energy and mobility are much less than they used to be. But I'm enjoying life more. I don't care what others think anymore, I march to my own drummer and it feels great. And my relationship with the God of my understanding is now firmly established and very, very rewarding. I have so much to be thankful for.
Somehow I've been able to pick up the pieces of my relationships with my family members and little by little we are getting closer. I think they know I am there for them, that they can ask me for anything and I will give it if I can. When we're together we know how to have fun, and how to laugh, and how to talk about things that matter, and how to love each other. Yes, we do know how to love each other! Life doesn't get any better than that!
The older I get the deeper I go into each moment. Old age is definitely not for sissies. I'm sorry about my loss of energy, mobility, and the expectation of living many more years. But after a life-long struggle with my "imperfections" I'm actually getting better at living. Better at not procrastinating, not trying to control things, not expecting catastrophic consequences when I fail at something. And better at noticing my blessings and the beauty around me -- the beauty I create and the beauty life displays. I don't think I would trade the wisdom that has come to me with age for anything that youth offered, except the love.
I don't think we have a clue about the affects we suffer from trauma. I don't think we even have an idea of all that causes us trauma. But we're learning. I'm learning. Actually I'm learning to focus not on the traumas I've suffered but on how to do life better. I'm learning that the better I take care of my own wellbeing the more I can offer to others, and the more love and joy I experience. Life is complex, isn't it?